Terry Mulligan? For President?
Writer, Musician, and Publisher, Terry Mulligan has had enough! His Policy Statement is Write On! He wants a Pro-Choice rider attached to the off-shore drilling Bill! How about throwing the Dallas Cowboys in Prison? Perhaps we should nationalize Exxon/Mobil and use their profits for Social Security. This guy is on to something!
Due to the lack of substance from any candidates in the 2008 Presidential Election, I, Terry Mulligan, have decided to run as Independent. My policy proposals are outlined in detail below.
Candidate Terry’s Policy Statement:
Order NASA to stop naming Martian rocks after cartoon characters. Scooby Doo wasn’t even a funny cartoon.
Penalize presidential candidates with a $5,000 fine for each reference to faith or religion.
Offer tax credits to Sports Illustrated to enhance their Swimsuit Issue website.
Sponsor FREE GUN DAY – no registration required – in all major sports stadiums nationwide (between football and baseball seasons, of course). Then seal the gates. Last person standing wins NRA Chairmanship for Life and free Moses hairdo.
Build more prisons on K Street.
Nationalize Exxon/Mobile; use their “highest profit-margin quarter in the history of the universe†to replenish the Social Security fund.
Lower gasoline price to $1.25 per gallon like it sez in the frickin’ Bible!
Outlaw SUVs. Use the surplus vehicles to help build a better wall blocking immigrants from Mexico. We could probably stop the flow of Canadians while we’re at it. Joni Mitchell and Neil Young can protest all they want. Pinko folk singersâ€â€sheesh!
Build more prisons at Exxon/Mobile headquarters.
Create a national newspaper that doesn’t reference itself in every paragraph like USA Today.
Create a national newspaper that includes actual NEWS.
Any mention of Madonna, Brittney, Paris, Prince, George Michael, Lindsey, et al. should be wiped from history – magazines, newspapers, tabloids, the internet…. with possible exceptions for satire, such as “Rock singer, Madonna….â€
Create a newspaper focused on public policy, objective journalism, critical thinking. Base it D.C. and call it The Washington Post. Startup Date: 2009.
Freeze all campaign funds and assets every time a candidate distorts, fibs, or otherwise maligns his opponent on issues other than policy disagreement. Exception: dissing Palin is fair game.
Nominate Ralph Nader and Dennis Kucinich to the Supreme Court. Jesus told me to suggest this.
Moratorium on new war memorials on the National Mall in D.C. Instead, build a giant statue of George Carlin, Michael Moore, Bill Maher, and Sam Harris on the White House lawn.
Legalize drugs in the spirit of Republo-Libertarianism – if you get hooked, your on your own!
Crucify Sarah Palin – she thinks she’s Jesus anyway, knowning God’s will an’ all….
Require waterboard endurance training for all public servants who advocated or defended the practice. If it’s good enough for SEALS and Jack Bauer, it’s good enough for the Executive Branch….
Regulate the fashion designers – or replace them with people who actually LIKE women. No more banana hats or Bride of Frankenstein retro-80s hairdos….
National “Country Fair†fundraiser — dunk Cheney, Rumsfeld, and Bush Jr. for a buck a piece in the waterboarding contest. Fun for kids of all ages. Raises money for Walter Reed.
Mandatory birth control for all anti-abortion advocates.
Establish term limits for reality shows, home decorating, and cooking shows.
Require more nudity on TV. Like Europe.
Apologize to Iraq and Afghanistan for killing all their civilians.
Kill the Taliban and Al-Queda, or at least make them compete on one of those gross-out reality game shows. Bin Laden eating bugs would be pretty darn funny!
Make Cheney eat bugs. Just an afterthought, but it would be cool….
Kill American Idol. And the people who watch it.
Sportscaster interviewers – quote long passages of Cicero and Melville in the post-game locker room interviews — then ask the athletes to discuss at length in the context of their win/loss.
Build more prisons for the Dallas Cowboys.
Redeploy the police. Take them out of the War on Drugs so they can fight muggers, rapists, and lobbyists.
Trickle-up economics – let employees determine their salaries and those of their supervisors.
Establish a Parlimentary Democracy with three branches of government providing checks and balances. Place it somewhere in the Western Hemisphere, like Nevada or something….
Attach pro-choice riders to any bill advocating offshore drilling. That’ll really mess with the yahoo heads….
End the monopoly on rates by the banking industry. Let consumers determine interest rates for credit cards, mortgages, car loans, and savings accounts. Terms subject to change at any time for any reason, no matter what.
Pay equity: lower men’s salaries to match women’s. This would not only be fair but would also slow down wage inflation.
Eliminate AP classes and GPAs that exceed 4.0. Teach basic arithmetic to whoever invented the 4.1 average.
Intellecual Property. If and when we find any intellectual property on the internet, make sure it is protected.
Force Michael Jackson to give all those song rights back to Paul McCartney. In exchange, Jackson will be allowed to stay in Ireland as long as he wants.
Urban Sprawl: Reintroduce Smallpox to thin the population, especially in the ex-burbs. Manassas would be an excellent pilot program site.
All those construction workers we just put out of work? Retrain for demolition. Less office buildings and less condos will discourage overpopulation or force people to move to Idaho.
Require TSA screeners to tango in the nude before making you remove your belt and shoes.
Increase enforcement and penalties against highway tailgaters. Lethal Injection should be considered “on the table†in this discussion.